Simone: From the Heart

Simone Icough August 2011
Well, I haven't posted here for some time, not from my own words anyway! I wanted to try and touch base with everyone again as it seems my Scoliosis support has lacked some enthusiasm since the death of my husband (Chris Icough) and I have been trying to find the strength to get involved again and be who I used to be - this journey has been hard so far and I know I will struggle with it for the rest of my life, however, Chris helped me start my great support group (which ended up being called "howtolookgoodtwisted") and he would be sad if I chose to give it up, we helped create so many great friendships for people with Scoliosis and when all is said and done, I hope that can continue.

I suppose this post is mainly an apology to the members of the group for slipping away into the darkness and hiding, but to be honest I didn't know what else to do, this was an inevitable reaction from my mind, body and soul and I guess it has taken me this long (30 months) to step back into the light and fight again. These days I struggle to focus, before I could do 10 things at once and not be fased by it but now the majority of my thoughts are filled with wonderful memories of Chris and this sidetracks me quite a bit, don't get me wrong I am not complaining about that but it does make me very, very sad and then the rest of my day just seems so pointless. The easiest way I can explain the feelings is; every thought or feeling you have which is remotely happy and makes you laugh or smile, you are left feeling guilty because you are alive and they are not - it has taken me 30 months to find a way to swallow those thoughts................and place them deep inside me so I can continue my day.

My life is a lot more hectic now as I am still running the business which Chris and I did together but now I am doing a lot more of the work so my time is very limited. I am trying my best to organise myself efficiently so I have plenty of time for my twisty friends, my group and the website, however, this is what I have been failing to do the most: ORGANISE, it always used to one of my biggest strengths but due to the trauma of losing Chris I have lost my way somehow, however, I am now back in our home and I can feel Chris all around me which is helping me build the strength to fight, not only for me but for the cause of Scoliosis.

Scoliosis: Making People Stronger from Within
I have had many a moment where I have hovered over the delete button for the howtolookgoodtwisted facebook group as I felt I couldn't cope. I felt I was letting the members and the moderators down, I wasn't replying to messages, creating new content and fund raising ideas; I just stopped. BUT, from somewhere within me there has always been a voice telling me that I would actually be heartbroken if I walked away after 9 years of running support groups. Luckily that voice was right and I walked away from the button!

It has been a rocky road, for me, my family and friends, but in so many ways I am lucky girl, I have a great family on both sides, some stunning friends and I know Chris will always be with me; I just wish it didn't have to hurt this much!

Thanks to all the members of the group for bearing with me and for offering support. To my amazing moderators, I love and adore you all so much you have no idea, thanks sooooooooo much for all that you do, you all deerve a medal!

I will be making more of an appearance from now on and gathering information from as many places as I can to keep supporting you through your journey - let's do it together and in true TWISTED style!



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