The Loss Of Life

Some of you may or may not have noticed my lack of contribution to my own network since the 11th April, I felt I wanted to explain to those who were not aware of what was happening with my life at the moment, especially as I have constantly been heavily involved with the support of Scoliosis patients since 2004!

Sadly and heart breakingly I lost my best friend and husband on the 11th April, since then I have been "existing" and trying to find a way to get through the enormous pain in my heart and the feelings of lonliness that have been with me ever since, Chris (my husband) was a great Scoliosis support for me and I miss him to lean on, he did a LOT for me as he understood the problems I faced with daily living, and for someone who didn't have Scoliosis I think that was amazing of him to show such understanding of my condition. Had it not been for Chris I would not have created all the groups, websites and blogs that I run - he was the one who pushed me into creating my groups not only so I could share my pain with others but to give me a focus away from my own suffering.

Since the day he died I have not been strong enough to support myself, let alone 2,360 people that are part of my community on Facebook, not to mention the Yahoo! group and blog, this is why I decided an explanation was required, Chris would not want me to walk away from the friends and support I have gained over the past 7 years but on the same token I would hope many will understand I am in no place right now to help anyone with anything as I am so wrapped up in my own grief (selfishly).

Fortunately, I met and became friends with some lovely ladies and those people are now making sure the group does not get left behind with me! Thanks to Judith, Laura, Linda, Thalia, Tracey, Janice, Laurie, Bev and Susie who have stepped in and taken over for me while I try and get moved back to the UK.

Chris and I lived in Spain for 13 years and had plans to move back to the UK and settle in Devon, unfortunately he passed before we could accomplish this dream, so I am now living here in Spain with my Mother while my Dad is back in the UK. I am trying to get our home packed and then rented out so I can get back and be with my family and Chris'. I am hoping this will give me time to reflect and decide where my life will take me from here, this is a very hard decision to make as Chris and I were ALWAYS together. We ran a business from home together, obviously we lived together and to be honest we didn't go far without one another, whether that be a trip to the dentist, the supermarket or just out for a beer - we were extremely close as friends and husband and wife, we never stopped talking to one another and this is what I am now missing the most.

I could talk to Chris about anything that was troubling me and like I said he would understand to the best of his ability my Scoliosis pains and held my hand through all the x-rays, MRIs and Dr visits that followed my surgery, I miss his words of wisdom and comfort. This is not a "poor me" posting but an explanation as to why I am struggling to cope and why I have not been around much on the forum to support you all. I am hoping my strength will come back and the "FEISTY SCOLIOTIC" will return but at this moment in time I cannot see the wood for the trees, nor can I see the point to my life anymore as Chris was always in it.

Chris and I met when I was 16 (I had surgery at age 12) and he was 24, our friendship started to build from there, we would write letters to one another, talk on the phone a lot and I would spend many a night sat on his sofa just chatting, it was not until I was 21 that we realised we were meant to be together. We married in 2001 and never looked back, unfortunately my Scoliosis prevented me from having children (I can assure you it was not from lack of trying!) so we were in the process of adopting from China.

I hate not being able to share my Scoliosis lows with him but hope I can find the strength from somewhere to continue being me, Chris helped me overcome the need for a walking stick and a wheelchair and gave me the strength to say "I don't care what people think" but since he is no longer by my side I have found I am going back into myself once more and trying not to admit I need help and I can do everything myself which of course is affecting my back more than I care to realise or want to admit.

I have written a memorial website for Chris as I am raising money to send his ashes to the moon on the Celestis Luna Service 

On the other side of things it has made me see how important the Facebook group really is, I am sure I am not alone in this world dealing with grief and a health condition which causes debilitating pain so I have Chris Icough to thank for that for helping me come to terms with my Scoliosis and fight it and I hope in time I can find comfort in numbers also.

We have not forgotten about the competition we started in March for the new slogan regarding the new merchandise we plan to launch, Laura and Linda will be organising this and will send me the final 3 slogans so I can choose the winner, please be patient with us there - my situation has put more pressure on the other ladies.

Be strong in yourself and I hope the Facebook group has continued to help all of you, I need more time to face my own fears, which are many. Thanks for your understanding and be gentle with the moderators they are trying their best! ;)

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